My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
