Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
