pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I want her autograph on my taint
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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