Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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