Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
