dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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