You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
