I got chris browned last night
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
