I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
