chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
