def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
