Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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