if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
