the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize