i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Houston, we have a squirter
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize