Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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