I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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