if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
