Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
