I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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