Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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