bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
