someone threw a dead crab at me
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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