Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
