like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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