I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
