Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize