hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize