Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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