when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize