i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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