I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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