Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize