I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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