yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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