you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
