In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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