if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
