There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
