I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
