So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
