I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
