peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
