He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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