Yo dont text me then not text me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
