Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
