i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
