fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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