Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
