they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
