She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize