Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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