My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
