I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
