A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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