I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
