hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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