This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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