come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
