You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
